It’s that time of year again where everyone decides to make promises they can’t keep
Instead of bombarding you with yet another list of things you’ll never hope to achieve, here’s a list of common New Years resolutions complete with reasons why you’re better of slapping yourself repeatedly in the face with some kind of sea creature than waste your time at the end of the year wondering where you put that list of last years resolutions.
“That’s right! I threw them out. Clint told me they were crap!”
Warning: This is a ‘humorous’ post, and not intended to offend (much). Please use your discretion!
#1 Spend More Time with Family & Friends
You know you won’t. You’re practically living a lie as it is — home late every night with that stupid “They asked me to work late” look on your face. We all know that you’ll be caught up in some sort of post-work Dungeons & Dragons tournament.
Unless spending more time with family and friends means upgrading your Wizard ‘staff power’ to Level 5, it won’t be happening any time soon.
#2 Fit in more exercise
How are you going to achieve such a feat when you’re continually burning the midnight oil in the office each night?
And by ‘burning the midnight oil’ I mean slaying the dragons of Mordor with your legion of Elves.
You’ll be best off buying some kind of fitness gimmick which can burn the calories FOR YOU whilst you’re chained to the “desk”.
#3 Enjoy life more
It’s a bit hard to do that when you’re practically obese, not spending any time with family or friends, and you’re also living a lie. How about “enjoy life less” instead? Now there’s something you’d have a better chance of achieving.
Come to think of it, you’d probably suck at that too.
#4 Quit drinking
A quitter are we? Did you not read the first point? When you’re considered a borderline “professional drinker”, you can’t afford to lose any more friends than you already DON’T have.
No, ‘virtual friends’ aren’t ‘real friends’ either.
#5 Get out of debt
Come on buddy — How you gonna do that with a drinking problem and no friends to bail you out? Your legion of Elves can’t help you with this one. This is hardly a New Years resolution anyway.
Why don’t you think up some new resolutions such as ‘Marry a super model’ or ‘Win the lottery’.
#6 Learn something new
Here’s something new — stop trying to do NEW things that you’ll probably be sh*t at anyway. We’ve discussed at length that you’re crap at the things you already KNOW how to do. Aren’t you listening?
That’s right — you also suck at listening now.
#7 Help others
You can’t even help YOURSELF you drunk, over-weight, friend-less wizard-slayer.
Did I mention that Santa hates you?
There you have it — 7 New Years resolutions to adhere to
Please don’t take this post too seriously or I’ll visit you in the small hours and stick a bat up your night-dress.