As we’re all aware, there’s an ample supply of douche-bags in the gym.
What happens when these crazy bags of douchiness break free from their natural health-club habitat and descend upon the masses at the beach?
You get a whole bunch of new ways to annoy the living be-jesus out of a crowd of people trying to enjoy themselves in the sun.
I give you the Top 5 douche bags you’ll find at the beach this summer
#5 The shrink-wrapper
He’s buff, he has style, he even has baby-oil covering his 12-pack. He’s more than likely the douche from the gym that was wearing jeans and flip flops whilst attempting a 400lb bench press.
What he hasn’t realised is, that his euro-shorts have revealed his severe trowser-snake inadequacy. This has been further emphasized by his broad shoulders and that ‘hey bro, look at my biceps’ stance.
‘Business’ up top — ‘Ken-doll’ downstairs is a no-no in anyone’s book. When you’re built like a 3 year-old boy, maybe it’s time to ship your euro-shorts back to Europe.
#4 The poser
They’ll stand in one spot, eyeing the beach up and down, shifting their stance repeatedly at just the right angle to an invisible crowd of adoring fans. In their minds, there’s a roar descending from an imaginary, giant grand-stand just as they’re about to receive the gold medal for The World’s Biggest Poser.
Yes we all noticed how conveniently your flexed your bicep as you pointed towards the drink machine. No I don’t think you’re amazing – I want to insert beach umbrellas into your eye socket.
#3 The delusional
‘My girlfriend Stacy wears a spaghetti thin bikini, so I thought I could too’. Wrong. Dressing for your body type is a MUST no matter where you are let alone when you’re at the beach where its pretty much everyone running around in their (wet) underwear. Whether you need to wear a one piece, a two piece or several hundred pieces stitched together to form a tent, please dress appropriately.
Everyone from the bakery called. They want their ‘Rolls’ back.
That goes for you too Michelin Man with the extra-small speedo. Apparently you’re circumcised. Excuse me whilst I bleach my eyeballs.
#2 The too close for comfort
Ever dropped your towel down and made yourself all set when suddenly, a group of people sit RIGHT next to you? There’s this little thing called ‘personal space’ and you’ve just invaded it like a fat kid raiding a castle made of cotton-candy. I don’t need to be subjected to the conversation on how many chicks you ‘sha-lammed’ last night, or the fact that you’ve been trying the latest in Nair hair-removal creams.
Move over, shutup and stop disturbing my bliss. And by ‘bliss’ I mean ‘awesome’.
#1 The leather bag
So you’ve been sitting in the sun for about 50 years now. Most commonly these kinds of people are referred to as ‘sun-worshipers’, but their resemblance is closer to a leather hand-bag. You’ll see them ‘tanning’ for hours at a time, almost to the point where even their eyeballs are lacking enough moisture to keep them from shutting permanently. Your charred complexion isn’t sexy, or alluring. It makes me want to skin you alive and turn you into a motorcycle jacket. Thats right — I AM Buffalo Bill.
How is any of this related to fitness or training? I hear you say. It isn’t. Now back to work people.
Clint’s Note: What bugs you at the beach? Comment below.
Join the discussion 18 Comments
in no way is this meant to sound racist, but what the fuck is with Asian’s wearing jeans at the beach? Also i’ve been tripping out on overly fit Dad’s.. don’t you have a job mutherfucka?… ooh ooh, and buff pack of men trying to act hetro, while hanging off each other like it’s mardi gras and the pills are free
haha, Gold. I can’t wait to get back to the beach. Its been so long!
What i do hate though are people who walk past your towel wearing thongs and flicking sand all over you! If looks could kill i would murder them with my stare.
Most annoying thing EVER!!
Very funny post in a weird way its very true ..maybe this is something Bruno would be happy to comment on!
I live near the beach and we get all sorts visting .. so I guess I’m use to all the “douche bags” .. the ones I hate the most are the Paris Impersonators but are as old as Joan Rivers! They need worry what their grandchildren would think!
Nice Rant. I also live near the beach in an area that is flooded with tourists each summer so I have to put up with all these characters who drive me crazy as well. One more for the list is the leery wide boy. Big chunky watch, over the top shorts just parading about shouting to his mates and talking on the phone with lots of swearing. Maybe this is just a english stereotype but I have had a enough of them!!. Ok feel better now
Another great top douchebag list! You should write a book compiling all these gems!
what? he’s got other douchebag posts? where??
*damn* that’s what I was gonna do. I shoulda known you’d already have at least one post like this!! LOL
You know what bugs me in the beach? Kids! They run for the water and throw sand at you with their little feet, then came back running and throw cold water AND sand in the way back.Ugh.
Hilarius. the too close for comfort sucks.. that happened twice this year with a bunch of drunks and I could smell the cigarette smoke.. no choice but to move (even though I got there first)
OH MY EFFFIN’ GAWD, you’re hilarious. I particularly like what you’re saying in #3… I think you may have inspired a blog post subject for myself actually (no, it won’t be about the beach, I’m no plagiarist)…!!!
thanks for the huge guffaw.
Thanks Jackie :)
Sometimes I can be terribly offensive and not realise it. All in the name of comedy of course!
If you do an ‘inspired’ post at some point, I’d love to read it.
The ‘towel flick’ to get sand off your towel is a major pet hate of mine. Can you please leave the beach without creating a F@%#ing sandstorm! I’d prefer to lay here without your sand in my mouth thanks!
Hilarious Clint. One addition, the broseph in bright speedos and matching things.
My douche version is from a slightly different angle, I was a life guard at one stage, pulling (lets call them European) gentleman mainly out of the water crying that they were drowning in FULL addidas tracksuits, the only downside to watching them dissappear in a rip was knowing that i had to go get them.
Testing the FB comments…