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10 more traits of a gym douchebag

By August 4, 2010 17 Comments

More gym douche bag traits…

I wrote about the Top 10 traits of a gym douchebag a couple of weeks ago and due to the overwhelming response, I now have another 10 to add to this seemingly ever-growing list!

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Unacceptable gym attire

His singlet seems to be missing some material. Don’t get me started on the shorts…

#11 Thin-strapped singlets

Skimpy tops are common amongst the ‘roid-boys’ who usually have an extraordinary physique (regardless of their obvious lack of subtlety).

But it’s when ‘Johnny-No-Guns’ dons the spaghetti-straps and reveals his ‘moobs’ to the entire gym in a deluded attempted to wow an imaginary female audience that we find ourselves either rolling around the floor with laughter, or bleaching our eyes in disgust.

Beware Moobie-two-shoes, if your nipples are showing at ANY time, that puts you at number one on the ‘2010 Douchebag-Ladder™’

#12 Exercising too close to the racks

Why in the Hell do you need to exercise right on top of the weights rack? Are you are fricken magnet? Perhaps you’re allergic to the free space found EVERYWHERE ELSE on the gym floor. Some of us need to use the weights found on the ACTUAL rack behind you.

Please don’t snarl at me as I interupt your set which is interrupting the entire fricken gym!

Move your arse to somewhere more suitable away from the weight-rack. Like Planet Douchebag.

10 more traits of a gym douchebag

See that rack behind you? Yeah, people are actually using it.

#13 PT’s on cell phones whilst with clients

Why Mr PT, are you on your cell phone? Did your client pay you for your attention deficit disorder? Oh wait, it’s the last client you trained with the dynamite body whom you are now hitting on.

Get laid on your own time buddy. The person lying there crushed under the barbell was the person you SHOULD have been paying attention to.

#14 Calling friends whilst training

“Yeh dude, I’m at the gym wailing on my pecs, bout to blast my lats. Then we can hit the clubs k bro?”

Listen buddy, I don’t need to hear how many ladies you are going to smash, nor if anyone of your bro’s gives a toot about the supposed 400 pounds you just benched. There’s a whole line of people waiting to use your bench who aren’t meeting your homies down at the club later. Get back to training already ya douche.

#15 Huge breaks between sets

Rest time between sets is important, we ALL know that. However, it needs to be limited so the OTHER clientèle have a shot at using the bench you’ve just sweated all over.

The 10 minute break you’re on and choosing to talk to your gym-buddies in, has now made you a prime cut of grade-A-douche-meat.

#16 Personal space in classes

Those that do Body Attack and the like, know you have to be there 10 minutes early to claim your spot on the floor. If you turn up late to a class, don’t stand on top of the people already there FFS! Your 300lb ego can’t squeeze into the gap between 2 people already setup and raring to go.

Everyone at the douche store rang, and they want their bag back.

#17 Folks that treat the locker-room like home

The locker room isn’t an area to trim toenails, dead skin or any other reserved-for-home kinds of activities. Also, if I see you with a camera in the locker room taking pix of your lats in the mirror, I won’t find you and your pre-pubescent buddies hilarious. I’ll find you, and throw you down the nearest staircase.

#18 People telling you what to do

Ever have people just walk up to you and tell you what to do? Unless you are a PT offering form-correcting advice, I don’t need Mr Universe telling me how to put on muscle mass. 

I left my syringes in the locker room meat-head, I’m doing this sh*t naturally. Oh wait, you’re wearing a spaghetti-strapped singlet. And I can see you nipples.

Nuff said.

10 more traits of a gym douchebag

I can do that. I just don’t wanna

#19 Under-training

Why do I see over-weight people chatting to each other whilst at Level 1 on the treadmill? Hey there fatty-boombalada, do you think all those diet-sodas will work off themselves?

If you can hold a conversation to the person next to you, maybe bump it to Level 2, as you just aren’t trying hard enough.

That’ll teach those cankles who’s boss!

#20 Performing ridiculously difficult exercises

So you can squat on a fitball whilst juggling 3 dumbbells, an iPod and your ego all at the same time. That’s fine and dandy in the circus. This is a gym however, and I just want to punch you in the face with a dumbbell.

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Editor’s note: Ok, so that last one made me sound a bit jealous. But besides that, this list is continuing to grow. Has anything been left out from the douchebag list? Comment below.

Clint Nielsen

Author Clint Nielsen

Clint is a dad and husband trying to stay in shape. He's also a highly opinionated fitness enthusiast and author of Reveal The Steel. Follow him on: Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and Google+

More posts by Clint Nielsen

Join the discussion 17 Comments

  • Matt says:

    This article is gold! I also feel that I have learnt something… maybe i should stop doing jump squats on my fitball. The only point I would disagree with is the first one… I would argue that thin strapped singlets are not a good look – irrespective of the size of your moobs!

  • JAMA says:

    -woman who only goes to the gym to be stared at. usually pissed off at the world and evil eyes you when you look at her obviously enhanced chest
    -hairy naked locker room man… foregos the use of the towel in his hand, instead choosing to let the tackle roam free bashing side to side off his thighs
    – front desk girl… clearly does not use the gym and only works the front desk to earn cash to spend at Uni bars

  • WE55IDE says:

    “Moobie-two-shoes” LOL

  • Dude…that is freakin’ hysterical! Thanks for reminding me why I would rather workout in my basement with limited equipment than be subjected to this kind of stuff at the gym. You just made my day!

    ~ Pete

  • Clint,
    You are hilarious my friend! You just posted what everyone else that goes to a gym has been thinking!
    -Kelly

  • Clint Nielsen says:

    @Matt
    I agree with you there. Douchebags are branded thusly upon breaching the spaghetti strapped singlet protocol regardless of physical attributes.

    @JAMA
    “Hairy locker-room man” kinda sounds like me. But yes, the others i agree with :)

    @Pete & Kelly
    Maybe there’s a book idea here somewhere using the complete list including childrens-book illustrations.

  • thanasis says:

    dude u forgot about the guys that do no cardio whatsover and run straight to the weight lifting section and in 2 minutes they start screaming while lifting “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh”
    i lift weights aswell, its hard for me aswell but I DON’T YELL LIKE A DOUCHE FOR EVERYONE TO NOTICE ME

  • bobo says:

    Trophy wives who stand in pathways chatting with other trophy wives (they also park their huge, expensive, double-wide jogging strollers in the foyer for others to navigate around).

    Looks from skinny people. Yes, I look fat and old, but notice that I’m lifting more than you are. Stop making faces of disapproval at me and get back to your workout.

  • Ed says:

    Well the last one is my favourite in fact and something that just drives me crazy.Even worse if its being led by some personal trainer with the IQ somewhere at the pond-life level and an ego the size of Jupiter.That people actually pay for this is deeply tragic.I have learnt to read behind the lines that these sorts of trainers put out on their web sites-cutting edge techniques etc- cynically reads to me as most of the time as, misguided and dangerous gimmicks will be employed at all times.There I told you I was a cynic.

  • Frankie Bag O-Doughnuts says:

    I can’t tell you how many gym D-bags there are here in South Florida. These A-holes do 5 sets with 5 minute breaks in between sets. They talk to their buddies while they should be pumping iron. They use 4 sets of dumbells and 2 flat benches at a time. I have to ‘borrow’ 2 sets of weights from other patrons that should have been on the rack! Then when I finally do get a free bench or piece of equipment, the idiots actually ask me if I am using the bench/equipment, and of course I say “Yes, I’m using this right now.” Then when I get on a free bench, some idiot using a cable machine will yell, “Hey I’m on that!” They actually use 2 pieces of equipment at a time that are located 50 feet apart in the weight room. None of these meatheads have the genetics, the diets, or lifestyles required to be competitive bodybuilders, yet they want to own the whole weight room. The worst part of the whole experience is the effect that the weight room discourtesy has on me. I am constantly complaining to the staff, to the point where I am seen as the gym pariah! The staff doesn’t want to deal with me, or the discourteous gym members. Since most of the staff are out of shape themselves, you can tell that they never compete for available equipment in the weight room.

  • Pen says:

    The douchiest thing I hate is when you walk into the cardio room and no one else is there, and 15 minutes into your workout Mr or Mrs.Sweats like a pig choses to machine right next to you! I mean come on there are 15 empty elliptical machines to the right and let of me! Why did you have to chose the one right next to me!? Do you have some kind of issues with having to much personal space? One other thing I hate is when as a women start your lifiting routine and the time wasting muscle head standing next to you tries to impress you with how much and how many reps he can do. Like I care! I am not there to socialize nor am I there to daydream about YOUR muscles and how well developed they are or aren’t. I go there to see my muscles and day dream about how toned I will be one day. Get over yourself, Sir Douche-a-lot!

  • SGT MATT says:

    I work out at an MWR facility on a military installation. There are often trainees that come into the gym (obviously very new to the muscle scene) all hyped up on the latest and greatest supplement from GNC. They will spend hundreds of dollars on supplements and shakes and have their own personal pillbox with all the little goodies that are supposed to get you ripped. They hit it as hard as they can; lifting more weight than they should and using improper form. You can see them everyday for maybe four solid weeks (doing all those things we read above) and then they just disappear. You can imagine the expired supplements sitting on top of the fridge collecting dust as if someday they will get back to it again. If muscles came that easy, we would all be huge. Easy come, easy go. Go natural and stick with it, DOUCHE-NOZZLES.

  • SGT MATT says:

    Be glad you don’t see what I see in the locker room. I work out on the arsenal so we have a lot of retirees and old school army guys. They like to treat the locker room like it’s a men’s clubhouse where no clothes are required. I kid you not, I see them walking around buck naked just chatting away like they’re at the local Starbucks; even hiking their leg up on a bench while talking about their 401K. I don’t know about you, but I think a good retirement plan starts with a good set of drawers. Then we can talk about it.

    Have you ever seen a 65 year old man brush his teeth butt-a$$ naked? I mean, c’mon.

    Even when they do wear underwear, it’s the kind that they pull clear up to their armpits. Where do you even find underwear that has enough material to do such a thing? It looks like they took a pillow case and cut two holes in it.

  • I once went to the gym unfortunately it was one of the busiest times of the day, I see this guy occupying the flat bench and ask him if he is using it, he says no but he is using that bench to sit while he does his other exercises, I ask him how many sets he has left and he is like he just started.

    I was pissed because he was doing anything but the bench press, wanted to beat the guy but that’s douche and would’ve gotten me kicked out.

  • Mike says:

    LOL I just started following @gymwitness on Twitter. It’s a Twitter page dedicated to gym douchebags

  • Joe Mumma says:

    you left yourself off the list

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