Today’s internet LOL is proudly brought to you by abwavecanada.com.
I was surfing public access yesterday when I stumbled upon the latest in ‘sit on your arse and do absolutely nothing technology©’.
Though you see, that awesome quip up there isn’t quite as clever as it seems – the whole sit-and-get-fit thing is the EXACT marketing line that this bunch of snake-oil salesmen are choosing to run with.
It’s fun and it’s easy. Just sit and get fit!*
As you can probably tell, The Ab Wave is top-shelf Awesome™
If you’re reading this far, you’ve probably gathered that the sarcasm seeping out of this very review is in direct relation to the dollars seeping out of average-joe’s pocket as he lines up to place a down-payment of $14.95 USD on this piece of garbage.
Cost of the Ab Wave
$174.75 (1 x payment of $14.95 up front followed by 4 x $39.95 + your creditability + your soul).
Why I don’t ‘buy it’
If the fitness models on the infomercial are anything to go by, their ripped abs and core are once again, nothing to do with this machine.
The fact that that ‘line’ in quotes up there is followed by an ‘asterisk’ which clearly states:“*By adhering to the Ab Wave System which consists of adhering to a healthful meal plan, exercise on the Ab Wave machine, plus regular cardio or aerobic exercise. Your results may vary.” gives you an indication as to how low the marketers had to stoop to be able to pass this pile of dung off as a piece of exercise equipment.
That line is basically saying “If you train and eat properly, regardless of this machine, you’ll see results. But they may vary.”
Lucky they covered their arses with the ‘results may vary’ bit. For a minute there, I could have sworn that sitting on my backside whilst letting a machine do all the work for me would have given me the abs of ‘The Situation’.
The Ab Wave™ engineers should have built-in a cup-holder for jumbo coke and fries whilst they were at it.
But surely there’s a way one could DO EVEN LESS than have to ‘sit’ whilst exercising right? Can’t this machine literally lift me up from my pizza-induce-coma, dust off my bed sores and wipe my arse for me? Talk about dropping the f*cking ball!
So you’re saying there are no benefits of using the Ab Wave™?
There are benefits for sure – If you’re suffering from a heavy wallet or inflated bank account, this just might be the cure to your ills. Also, if you’re completely mental, looking for a quick-fix or haven’t been reading the gimmick section of the Crude website for very long, you MAY be inclined to part way with 175 clams.
The Ab Wave Pros
Straight from the marketing drivel…
#1 The Ab Wave is a great ab workout that you can do in a comfortable, seated position that’s WAY MORE FUN than crunches and leg raises!
Way more fun — as in, way less effective AND you get to look like a complete doofus whilst using it.
#2 Ab Wave™ helps you fire your core like never before!
‘Fire your core’? Seriously, what does this even mean? My fist will help ‘fire your face’.
#3 From the Easy Slide & Glide movement to the Total Body Twist & Turn motion, your body will go from frumpy to fabulous!
Easy Slide and Glide sounds like a lubricant. Are you sure we’re talking about the same ‘sit on your arse and do nothing’ technology© here?
#4 The Ab Wave™ incorporates movements that will rock your entire body and work your core, obliques, back, arms and legs!
I know a similar ‘movement’ that this statement reminds me of…
The Ab Wave Cons
#1 May reduce the risk of wealth
#2 May increase the total volume of useless sh*t in your basement
#3 Will increase your Dexterity by +4 and your Mana by +10! (only when coupled with a single hair plucked from the Evil Wizard’s pubic region).
Editor’s Note: What do you guys think of this device? Has anyone actually spent coin on the Ab Wave™? Comment below.